"Do what you have to do resolutely with all your heart. The traveler who hesitates only raises dust on the road."--The Dhammapada of Gautama the Buddha
Lately my life has been toxic. It was just one issue after another after another that drove me to the edge. People have been telling me that I'm this, I'm that. Na may pinapanigan akong tao, na nagbubulabulagan ako. Na kunwari mabait ako pero sa loob demonyo ako. Na eksenadora ako, nakakahiya ako, makasarili, mukhang pera at lahat lahat na ng pangit na kaugalian sa mundo. Like an earthen dam reaching critical limits, I just had to scream, "STOP!" There was a lot of doubt in my mind, people whom I've known for a long time suddenly became strangers, friends that I've loved for so long talking behind my back, it felt like there was nobody I could trust to talk to and share my ordeal. Too many people trying to dictate me on who I am. My mind listens to them, confusion reigns, my whole being was in pain. My heart trembles in tears.
I knew I needed to shut the world out of my own. I told my bf I want a cool-off.
People would probably say I am weak because instead of confronting people, I chose the flight response. But talking to people will just cause more talking which will lead to more bickering and back-stabbing and I know I will have my guts castrated with more put downs and name calling. There is no resolution. Instead I chose to shut down my mind with a series of meditations, to stop it from reminding me that that the world is conniving and deceitful. I needed to explore my inner being, because I know deep inside my heart aches, because only my heart knows my own true self.
People dictating the way you act, the way you live your life, all the praises and insults, they can get into you if you let them in. If you don't, they float like the wind. Winds do not change the depth of an ocean. Only the ocean can know how deep it is. Who are people to judge you?
Away from the rest of the world, I find inner peace. It is such a blessing. I am glad that I trust my heart and follow it. Even with a broken eye I have been faring well just minding my own business. No otherworldly drama.
Maybe one day I will go back to the noisy, chaotic social world. I miss friends and I know there are still some who are concerned and womdering where I've ventured off to. But right now, I must do this. Slowly my mind forgets, slowly my heart forgives. It is blissful. I feel like I'm on vacation in Matukad Island.
"Remember the emphasis on the heart. Mind can never be one; by its very nature it is many. And the heart is always one; by its very nature it cannot be many. You cannot have many hearts but you can have many minds. Why? because the mind lives in doubt and the heart lives in love. The mind lives in doubt and the heart lives in trust. The heart knows how to trust; it is trust that makes it one. When you trust, suddenly you become centered. --Osho"
