Wednesday, November 23, 2011

miso soup craving...



All of a sudden I had a craving for miso soup. I don't even know why. I remembered having left over sushi wrap in the cupboard from the last time i had kimbap craving. There were 3 sheets left. I started eating the wrap. Didn't feel quite like miso soup. Then I remembered there's a packet of Hot&Sour soup in the cupboard. So I boiled up some water and cooked the Hot&Sour packet, tore the nori in strips, then when the soup was done, added the nori.

The final product:

not exactly miso soup, but it's some sort of Hot&Sour seaweed soup. Ah! nerves calmed! I feel like it's my birthday!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Missing...

This is a photograph of a woman in love...

photo by Reddie Js

Here is a photo of a woman, waiting. Apparently his husband has gone missing. It reminds me of all the women in the world who always wait for their husbands to come home. Especially those whose husbands are so child-like and immature, and have no disregard for the women who wait for them, worry for them, think of them, pray for them. In Lolo Luis Matias' case, he's got a dementia of some sort. But for the younger husbands who go astray, there should be no excuse on having to have a woman wait, or worse, start searching.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

he will be missed


=(( There's this baby in facebook whom I've been following his story since his parents started making his personal blog. Since I was off on any sort of social contact to take care of myself, I havent had the chance to follow anymore. Until friday I remembered this kid and wondered at how he was doing. So I logged into fb and checked his blog. My heart sank at the comments, of tears and condolences. While reading, I was unaware that my tears started flowing too. I ran to the bathroom and grieved.

You're probably thinking, "why would you grieve for someone who's not even related to you?"

At first sight, I thought he was just another baby..a really sick baby. He was on the vent, he had a feeding tube, he was on the heart monitor, had tubes in and out of his umbilical cord, his IV site wrapped in coban dressing on his right foot. To be honest, I have never seen a baby so sick and so fragile.

It turns out, he had hypochondrogenesis / Achondrogenesis Type 2 disorder, which affects bone growth, and it is a genetic disorder. Apparently this disorder affects 1 in every 40k-60k babies* (*accdng to http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov), and is characterized by short arms & legs, a small rib cage, underdeveloped lungs, and lack of ossification in the spine and pelvis (accdng to wikipedia).

At first I was just drawn to his case. This is my problem with staying in my profession, I start looking at people by disease processes and not by their humanity. As I followed the tubes and the pictures, I saw this wee thing fighting for his life, and with him, his parents who are fighting alongside him. I was touched by their strength and optimism, their care for the baby, and their bravery of facing this challenge while sharing it to the world. I was not aware of the severity of the disorder, but with people alongside this family hoping for the best, I was compelled to cheer along with them and pray for this little angel. How could such a wee thing stay brave and hang on? Why does life need to be so cruel?

This is why I think I cannot do NICU. To me babies are so tiny, so fragile, and they require delicate hands to provide care. I admire NICU nurses a lot for being so brave too.

A lot of people are blessed with life. They get to grow up, have families, go to school, meet a lot of people, visit a lot of places. But they are never contented. Sometimes they are bored. Sometimes they take life for granted. Sometimes they take their own life. This baby, he fought until the end. He showed me that life is a priviledge, he showed me how I should live life...fight for it, never take it for granted, live every moment of it, and give love and hope. For the 38 days he lived, he taught me this. And I am grateful.

Souls come and go in this life to learn a life lesson to help them transcend into God's arms. May he rest in peace...

For this baby's legacy, follow: http://www.facebook.com/bienmarco.osido

Monday, November 14, 2011

bears...

i collect ty beanie bears... strictly bears...i dunno anymore how ti started but so far i have 50...bears... there's no value in them... not even sentimentality, but i collect them nonetheless. it must be the colors or the bear's flat affect... to me they look mysterious and nonjudgmental...

some of them my family members give to me as a gift... some i just adopt because they only cost 25 cents at the flea market. one day i would like to give them worth, use them as instruments of fundraising for needy children maybe, or give them to sick children to cheer them up. I know they would bring smile to kids and a sense of happiness, just like how they give me hope and happiness. And it is just because they are bears.

Real life bears arent as huggable, in fact they are scary. I've gone hiking in the mountains and never even think of coming across a bear. But it is highly possible. If they spot you even within 50 ft away they can charge to you and attack, esp if it is a mother protecting her cubs. I've seen bears on tv climb up the trees for food or a nap, that's crazy scary. They always advice to bring bear pepper spray when hiking in bear country, and to lock all food away. bears have a great sense of smell and if you keep food in your car, count on having a wrecked car the next day.

Friday, November 11, 2011

eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year

because today is the 11th day of the 11th month of the 11th year, everybody says that today is a lucky day. A lot of people bought lottery tickets. A lot of people got married. A lot of people gambled. Certainly, a chance of luck at a draw can be life-changing.

Instead of doing the above, I went to my ophthalmologist for my check-up. My eyes were anesthetized, checked for pressures, checked for changes in peripheral vision. Eyes dilated, pictures taken. The eye drops burn. The flashes of light hurt my eyes and gave me a headache. I wondered how my eyes are. Am I getting better, or am I down the path of blindness? The anxiety is sky-high.

The Md explained to me the photos... my nerves remain unscathed... I cannot explain the relief as I looked at them...to be honest I wanted to cry right then and there.

My profession demands me to provide care to people and when emergencies happen it is expected of me to respond to them...sometimes I feel like a robot. To be able to respond to my own emergency, and see my optic nerves intact was a chance to see myself as someone who can actually make a difference.

And if there is anything luckier that could happen to me at this day on the 11th of the 11th of the 11th, I think I already hit the jackpot. And am grateful for that.

laundry on the creek. Philippine life 2011.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

:(

lord tulungan mo ako, o kung ano man ang natitira sakin... nanghihina na aq...

Friday, November 4, 2011

Traversing the Philippines


Some people travel. I traverse.


I love traveling, but the way I travel I know a lot of people won't like.  Out of 365 days in a year I probably only get to travel an average of 6 weeks. That's because traveling is not my job, It's how I spend my precious paid time off from work.  Plus we're only allowed to take a vacation during that short amt of time, and now it has decreased to just a month (and it's all bec. of this stupid economy we have).  I cannot go on for a year without a break.  It's a recipe for burn-out and non-productivity.  Yes that is how demanding my real job is.  So no matter how many people say that I am wasting my money on traveling, I don't give a shit.  This self-imposed punishment for working hard is something that I will never object upon.


Surf Area, San Juan, La Union, Philippines
So how does one traverse the Philippines?  I cannot remember anymore where or who i got the idea from.  I remember being inspired by an Ilocano man on Youtube who went home to the Philippines for a vacation. During his stay, he visited, with his wife on a van with a driver and a mechanic, from Baguio city to the Mountain Provinces, to Cagayan, Ilocos Norte, Ilocos Sur, La Union then back to Baguio.  For me, it was a cool thing traveling like that.  Not a time wasted.  This was during the times I was really homesick, the videos made me feel near home.


Had a chance to go on a vacation in 2009.  Well not really a chance.  I actually quit my job so I can go home.  Just because I was homesick.  But during those times I was still naive with traveling.  I did arrange to take my sisters to Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte for a short vacation.  I think that was the start of my whole 'omg I wanna see more of the Philippines' fever.


Maira-ira Beach or Blue Lagoon, Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte, Philippines

The next year, in 2010, I had a month of vacation which I spent going from San Francisco to Dubai to Manila to La Union to Baguio City to Ilocos to Manila to Bicol Region then back to La Union then to Dubai again then San Francisco.  It's was a shot of a vacation that just drove me to ecstasy. During this time I got to see a lot of places that I've never imagined visiting.  I showed my bf around Ilocos and he showed me around Bicol.  It was his first time to go to Baguio City and Vigan, Ilocos Sur, whereas it was my first time to see the Mayon volcano, and the city of Naga, and the lakes nearby.  But the highlight for this trip was my visit to Dubai and to Caramoan Peninsula in Bicol.  Dubai was the first country I have ever visited other than the Philippines, and  everything seemed so luxurious, but being a muslim country it was also weird with all the rules abound.


Snoppy Island near Dibba and Fujairah, UAE, 

So that's what I mean by traversing.  It's like a binge...or as the song 'Billionaire' sez, "A different city every night.." hahaha..


You'll eventually get to read more about my traversing, gallivanting as you follow me...











Thursday, November 3, 2011

Meditation for the Day -- Heart & Trust

"Do what you have to do resolutely with all your heart. The traveler who hesitates only raises dust on the road."
--The Dhammapada of Gautama the Buddha

Lately my life has been toxic. It was just one issue after another after another that drove me to the edge. People have been telling me that I'm this, I'm that. Na may pinapanigan akong tao, na nagbubulabulagan ako. Na kunwari mabait ako pero sa loob demonyo ako. Na eksenadora ako, nakakahiya ako, makasarili, mukhang pera at lahat lahat na ng pangit na kaugalian sa mundo. Like an earthen dam reaching critical limits, I just had to scream, "STOP!" There was a lot of doubt in my mind, people whom I've known for a long time suddenly became strangers, friends that I've loved for so long talking behind my back, it felt like there was nobody I could trust to talk to and share my ordeal. Too many people trying to dictate me on who I am. My mind listens to them, confusion reigns, my whole being was in pain. My heart trembles in tears.

I knew I needed to shut the world out of my own. I told my bf I want a cool-off.

People would probably say I am weak because instead of confronting people, I chose the flight response. But talking to people will just cause more talking which will lead to more bickering and back-stabbing and I know I will have my guts castrated with more put downs and name calling. There is no resolution. Instead I chose to shut down my mind with a series of meditations, to stop it from reminding me that that the world is conniving and deceitful. I needed to explore my inner being, because I know deep inside my heart aches, because only my heart knows my own true self.

People dictating the way you act, the way you live your life, all the praises and insults, they can get into you if you let them in. If you don't, they float like the wind. Winds do not change the depth of an ocean. Only the ocean can know how deep it is. Who are people to judge you?

Away from the rest of the world, I find inner peace. It is such a blessing. I am glad that I trust my heart and follow it. Even with a broken eye I have been faring well just minding my own business. No otherworldly drama.

Maybe one day I will go back to the noisy, chaotic social world. I miss friends and I know there are still some who are concerned and womdering where I've ventured off to. But right now, I must do this. Slowly my mind forgets, slowly my heart forgives. It is blissful. I feel like I'm on vacation in Matukad Island.

"Remember the emphasis on the heart. Mind can never be one; by its very nature it is many. And the heart is always one; by its very nature it cannot be many. You cannot have many hearts but you can have many minds. Why? because the mind lives in doubt and the heart lives in love. The mind lives in doubt and the heart lives in trust. The heart knows how to trust; it is trust that makes it one. When you trust, suddenly you become centered. --Osho"

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Anatomy of Blindness

sa isang iglap akala mo mababago na ang buhay ko...pero ito, isang pagsubok lang ito...

It was thursday, typical 6a.m. I woke up looking forward to a cup of coffee, noticed the cracked aquarium decorations on the table, started gluing the pieces back. All of a sudden, there was a 'pop!', then eye pain ensued. Maybe I strained my eyes too much? Maybe my blood pressure is high? Maybe it was meant to be? As I cupped my right eye there was little relief. Closed all the lights in the kitchen, and lo and behold! the telltale halo around the oven clock danced in rainbow colors. My brain screamed 'HOLY SHIT! It cannot be!' But it is what it is, and i know i need to be seen by an eye doctor ASAP! Daylight started creeping in, so did the smoke on my right eye. 7 a.m. came and my right eye can only discern shadows within 10 ft. My whole being was in panic.

Since my brother is going to work, I asked my dad to drive me to the Urgent Care. Thank God for fathers!

At the Urgent Care, the doctor kept asking me if I have blood pressure issues, because my bp was 140 something over 80 something. In my mind I was like, its not that high really. They sent me to the opthalmologist. I went through a series of eye drops, eye probing, eye charts, the whole 1-million-dollar workup. They even took pictures which I thought was very interesting, but i never saw the pics so i remain curious.

This one lady, I do not know if she is a nurse or a tech, has this accent I really like, it doesnt sount quite frech or german or scottish...swiss maybe? I never dared to ask.

After the series of eye poking ang prodding, the doctor himself came in and couldn't believe with his own eyes! (no pun intended) The pressure in my eye was really high despite multiple measurements. He peered inside my eyeball for possible causes and seemed puzzled. When he was done he explains to be that there are possible causes for my condition but he cannot see any. He was considering the possibility that there must be something causing increased pressure behind my eye (my advanced mind was like 'omg don't tell me I have brain tumor or something devastating like that). Like everyone else who asked me, he asked me if it was possible that I have family history of Glaucoma (neg.), if I take any medications (neg.), if I had some sort of a seizure before the eye pain (neg.). He did comment that I have an old retinal detachment on my right eye, which enraged me because I swear I felt. I remember I was on my last year in Nursing School in the Philippines. I saw floaters and flashes of light, the eye pain, and days of cloudy vision. I remember blogging it too! (friendster days) I had to go to class half blind, and I cannot believe the opthalmologist (oh I remember your name) in Lorma Medical Center told me my eye was perfectly fine!! That could've been lawsuit right there! I cannot believe it! What if it was a full-blown detachment?? I would've gone blind!!

Anyway the doctor now tells me that I might go through more tests to find out why in heavens did my eye act out all of a sudden. I was given some eye drops and was required to take Diamox (Acetazolamide) at home and to return the next day to the optha for some more eye probing. Sounds fun!

Something new for me, nuh?! I'll live...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

stoic

No really, i don't want to be sorry for myself, though my eye is rotting ahead of the rest of my body I don't want to think of myself as someone less or impaired...don't want to think about it as a result of being evil. Sometimes horrible things happen to people and other people will say that's karma for being so evil. If this is true I cannot think of anything evil done by the kids in Kara David's Mga Anak ng Datalnay...I mean, they are too young! I think life is worse as it is and whoever thinks that people deserve to be impaired or be sick is just plain evil.

So I went back to work, and people couldn't tell...and the people who knew forgot about it, until somebody called the station and then they found out and cannot believe at what I have. Though they may be teary-eyed, I cannot cry because I know crying can increase intraocular pressure and I left my eyedrops at home ('cuz boy those do give me headaches)... i tell my story, and after the commotion, life goes on.

Every now and then my eye still hurts, and my heart....my heart continues to glow with hope...
"Sick and yet happy, in peril and yet happy, dying and yet happy, in exile and happy, in disgrace and happy." --Epictetus